EPISODE GUIDE SEASON 7

Tikka to Ride:

The crew are dead, slain by their future selves in the cliff-hanger that ended series six. But coming back from the dead is a piece of cake compared to the real dilemma confronting Lister - the curry supplies have been destroyed and he's three million light years from the nearest poppadom. Unable to face cold turkey vindaloo style, he ignores causality and goes back in time intending to order "500 vindaloos to go" but winds up in Dallas, in November 1963, where he accidentally pushes a gunman out of a fifth floor window. Kryten loses his guilt...and takes up smoking. The Dwarfers arrive in Dallas, 1963 and somehow manage to pull a gunman out of a window while actually trying to save him. Rimmer exacts revenge on Lister by tricking him into marooning himself in Starbug's detachable rear section.

Stoke Me A Clipper...:

Rimmer's much more dashing alter ego, Ace Rimmer, arrives on Starbug terminally wounded. He asks Rimmer to take his place as the swashbuckling guardian of the Universe. Reluctantly Rimmer has to turn him down as he's too busy cataloguing his shoe collection. Ace Rimmer saves Princess Bonjella from the Nazis but is mortally wounded by a shot in the chest, complaining, "This is my best top, dammit!" Ace is convinced Rimmer has potential, that you can't judge a book by its cover. "And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book," Lister insists. "For a start, a book's got a spine." Rimmer takes Ace's place and will be setting off into the big black...just as soon as he works out the ignition controls from the ejector seat.

Ouroboros:

When two realities converge, the Dwarfers undergo their most terrifying ordeal yet - they bump into a real, live, human woman who's attractive and nice. It's Lister's ex-girlfriend Kristine Kochanski. Kryten immediately goes into jealousy overload mode, convinced she'll steal Lister away from him, and starts plotting her immediate return to her own dimension. Lister is shown a scanned picture of his attacker - a hairy GELF. "Smeg," says Lister. "It's the missus!" Kryten is jealous of Kochanski's hold over Lister: "She's got all those in-and-out bits that you like..." Kryten answers a radio call from Kochanski, whom Lister has just shot in the leg. "It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you..."

Duct Soup:

When the generator and its back-up go down in the middle of the night, the crew have to crawl through the mile long labyrinth of service ducts to restart their engines. On their journey they discover a few surprising things about one another. Including what Lister once did on top of a crate of canned asparagus. Kochanski is angered by the noisy pipes in her quarters - they squilookle when they should nureek. If they're going to keep her up all night, they could at least do it properly! Kochanski sobs that she's tried everything to fit in: "I even tried learning what off-side was..." Lister tells why he is claustrophobic - an event which involved cashier number 12, a crate of tinned asparagus and the Bootle amateur players' production of The Importance of Being Earnest. The Cat attempts to calm Lister's claustrophobia concerns: "Boy, is it cramped! I tell you, if I was dead, you could not swing me around in here!"

Blue:

Lister finds himself missing Rimmer - until Kryten takes him on "The Rimmer Experience", a virtual reality ride featuring highlights of the departed crewmember's much-loathed life. Rimmer and Lister play the locker game, opening the dead crew's lockers to see what's inside. Lister gets cash and soft porn, Rimmer gets a face-full of fire. Rimmer returns from Ace duties - Lister's so pleased to see him that they hug, then kiss...and then Lister wakes up. A group of Rimmer munchkins burst into song: "He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer; without him life would be much grimmer..."

Beyond a Joke:

Kochanski takes the crew into the Artificial Reality suite and transports them to Pride and Prejudice World hoping to educate them in the subtleties of this literary masterpiece. Dream on. Kryten brings a tank into Pride and Prejudice Land. "Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. I said supper is ready!" Kryten literally blows his top when Lister insists on having brown ketchup with his lobster.

Epideme:

A strange, intelligent virus has impregnated Lister. He tries to set up a communication link with the disease to sweet-talk it into not killing him, but when this doesn't work, he realises that he'll have to submit to Kochanski's disarmingly simple cure. Lister is woken by amorous hands in the middle of the night - not Kochanski, as he might have hoped, but the 3 million year old corpse of Caroline Carmen, desperate for a game of tongue hockey.

Nanarchy:

The crew searches for nanobots in a laundry hamper to restore Lister to his pre-viral state. What they find is the answer to who stole their spaceship, Red Dwarf, and why. Holly returns and sees Kryten's angular features for the first time in years: "What's happened to him? Was it a cheap razor? It's just not worth buying them from garages, is it." The nanobotic reconstruction of Lister's body is a little 'over-successful' as he looks down to discover the massive frame of a body-builder where his porky little body used to be.

SEASON 8

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