In pursuit of the stolen Red Dwarf, Lister and Co are attacked by Psirens - creatures who lure space-farers to their deaths with a lethal combination of telepathic manipulation and scanty clothing. Lister clambers out of deep-sleep with long hair, a beard and extremely long fingernails - which he trims down on the table-top pencil-sharpener. The crew discover the fake Lister by tricking him into playing the guitar in a talented manner. Kryten emerges, "almost annoyed", from the garbage compactor as a perfect cube.


Supplies are low. The water has been recycled so often, it's beginning to taste like Dutch lager. Then a malfunctioning guidance beam drags the Dwarfers to a deserted space station... The Cat devours Lister's peanuts. Asked where he got them, Lister replies "Derelict a couple of months back. Found them in the dead captain's old donkey jacket. Don't look at me like that - you enjoyed that Mint Imperial didn't you?" Cat: "Where did you get that?" "He was sucking that when he got shot. I had to prise his jaws open with a car jack." The Dwarfers eat - or at least try to - with Mimosian anti-matter chopsticks. Legion provides Lister with everything he could ever want - a fridge full of lager and a spare pair of trainers in the ice box.


Terrorform: Rimmer is taken prisoner inside his own mind and ends up being stripped, oiled, manacled, licked, chained, taunted, humiliated and nearly has a knobbly thing the size of a Mexican agarve cactus jammed up where only customs men dare to probe. Frozen with fear at the 'spider' making its way up his leg, Lister types his message to the Cat: "The lower half of my body has gone numb." "That's probably for the best," the Cat replies. Should the crew dive in to rescue Rimmer, or sit like lemons and watch him get tortured? Cat: "Anybody got any opera glasses?"

Gunmen of the Apocalypse:

Kryten contracts a deadly computer virus, and Rimmer and Co are forced to enter his electronic mindscape. They find themselves in a wild west town, facing a gunfight against metaphysical gunslingers. Lister and the Cat pass themselves off as aliens by the time-honoured device of attaching eyes to their chins and hanging upside-down. The Cat - as the Riviera Kid - prevents sheriff Kryten from fleeing with a trick-shot resulting in the town's sign knocking him out cold. A drunken Kryten is informed that he's actually a robot and everything else is a fever - except for the crew, who do exist, but are actually on a spaceship in the future. "Hell, if that's gotta make sense, I don't want to be sober!" he wails.

Emohawk - Polymorph II:

The Dwarfers need replacement engine parts from the fearsome stomach-churningly ugly "Kinitawowi". But the GELF tribe are interested in only one trade: Lister must marry the chief's daughter. The cat discovers a whole heck of a lot about what they're dealing with from a GELF arrow. "Yep - this came from a bow all right." Lister decides to skip the honeymoon night with his GELF bride. "CHANGE OF PLAN!" he shrieks. "LEG IIIIIIIITTTT!!!!" Duane Dibbley lists his belongings: "Thermos, sandwiches, corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, animal footprint chart and one triple thick condom. You never know..."


Trapped aboard a disintegrating ship, Rimmer abandons his crewmates, taking the only remaining escape pod. As he accelerates towards a nearby wormhole, he discovers the pod has no steering controls. Rimmer has the opportunity to save his crewmates, but instead chooses to leap heroically into the ship's only escape pod. Kryten suggests stopping Rimmer's pod with a blast from the laser cannon. "Form an orderly queue behind the gun-sight," the Cat beams. Lister comes up with a complex escape plan involving pulleys, disguises, armed combat and lots of derring-do. Kryten suggests they use the teleporter.

Out of Time:

When an identical ship materialises alongside Starbug, the crew are alarmed to receive an SOS call from themselves fifteen years into the future. The Cat asks Lister what his future self looks like: "I can't see properly - the light is bouncing off the top of your head! You're as bald a plucked chicken, man!"